Oxygen Thief

Comedy gold

"Judd said Apgar told deputies he was smoking crack-cocaine at the adjacent park, but it was unclear why he was naked or why he was attacked by the alligator."

-- http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/southwest/orl-gator11292006-...

Jaaaaaaaaaaaam

HOWTO: Use escalators on the London Underground

The first in a series of HOWTO guides for living, this is a quick one on how to use the escalators on the Tube.

1. Stand on the right

   It should go without saying, and nearly everyone does, so thank you. But please make sure that your bags are also there on the right with you, including your huge rucksack, your enormous purple Liberty bag and your kid in its massive Chelsea tractor-esque stroller.

2. Corollary: Keep moving on the left

   These two rules basically govern all the correct escalator behaviour, and if you are going to move smoothly throught the Underground you need to master them both. So when you're on the left, keep moving. Don't stop just before the end of the escalator! It only takes a few tries to learn how to get on and off a moving escalator without breaking your stride. Seriously honey, give it a shot! You'll soon be able to master the art of getting on the escalator with either foot forward!

3. Approach the left hand side from the left, and the right from the right

   When you're getting on the escalator, if you're going to stand, queue up for the damn thing on the left. Why? Because there are people behind you who are in a stressed-out hyper-hurry and your standing at the top of the escalator waiting to join the stationary masses on the right is stopping them from running down that thing and just squeezing in as the doors on the train close and not having to wait 12 minutes for the next Northern Line train that goes where they want. Honestly, if you aren't going to be moving down the escalator under your own power, don't block those who are.

4. If you can, walk down on the right.

   Someone may be running down behind you. If they have to pass you on the right, and you decide to move right to accommodate them, there will be hideous accident. Trust me, I've been in accidents on escalators and they are ugly: ripped skin (calling it 'cut' would be too clean), broken bones, trapped scarves and of course nobody gets where they want to go on time.

5. One more time, don't hesitate when getting on or off.

   If there's one skill you learn this winter, forget salsa, forget aikido - learn how to get on an escalator without stopping. Then learn how to get off without stopping. It's really easy, and if you make a mistake, it won't suck you under, it'll just pull you gently on or just push you gently off. Try it!

Message to London road users

I have a message to the various classes of London road users.

• Scooters: You are not bicycles. You can't fit through that gap. I can, and you are blocking me. I hope you rot in hell. Oh, and that bus lane is not for you, it's for me.
• Taxis: I know you want that fare, but the problem is that as you swing across two lanes to get it you will cut me up and make me brake. When I have to brake I get angry. I hope you rot in hell.
• Van drivers: You see those yellow stripes on he road? You see how they cross each other in a box shape. If the lights turn red and you're still there, then you are a cunt. I hope you rot in hell.
• Expensive sports cars: What the hell are you doing driving a £100,000 Lamborghini on the A4 in rush hour? If your ultra-wide car blocks my path I won't refrain from clipping your wing mirror out of respect. Your car is softer than the fucking great truck on my right. Thank you for providing me with a crash pad.
• Cheap sports cars: Even though I've got a fixed gear on my bicycle, you are still not faster than me from a standing start over 10 metres. And don't switch lanes just to rev your paltry engine and achieve a single car's length's advantage, cos you just fuck it up for everyone behind you, over and over again. I hope you rot in hell.
• Polish coaches: Why don't you know where the Natural History Museum is? It's there on the left. Why are you in the right-most lane when there's 50m to go? WHY ARE YOU DRIVING ME INTO THE GUTTER WITH YOUR SIXTEEN TONNE WHALE?
• 4x4 drivers: I know you'll rot in hell, and I can't wait until your car costs you an extra 25 quid a day to drive in London and you can't even get a resident's parking permit. Your choice of car assures me you are a selfish cunt, and what's more, you drive like one.
• Other cyclists: You are not as fast as me. I'm not bragging, it's just a fact. If you were, I wouldn't have overtaken you already. And if you run a red light and gain a momentary advantage, don't act like a scooter and block between the lanes. And by the way, if you run red lights, I hope you rot in hell.